


honeymoon suite: currently unoccupied

by oakleaf_bearer



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Canon Asexual Character, Crack, Flirting, Implied/Referenced Sex, No Sex, Season 5 Spoilers, but what if martin was in the hotel with jon, only referenced, spoilers for mag 187, the honeymoon suite
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-12
Updated: 2020-11-12
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:33:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 731
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27530812
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oakleaf_bearer/pseuds/oakleaf_bearer
Summary: Are those roses?""Yes, I believe they are.""And chocolate hearts.""Hmm."-helens comment about the honeymoon suite made me laugh so i wrote thisspoliers for MAG 187
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan "Jon" Sims | The Archivist
Comments: 44
Kudos: 224





	honeymoon suite: currently unoccupied

Jon sighed. 

_Of course she did. Nothing could ever be simple._

"What?" Martin looked at him. 

"Nothing, it's just Helen." Jon waved his hand. "The path she's chosen, it's bought us- you'll see."

"Ok-ayyyyy..." Martin said slowly. 

"No, it's not bad, it's just her idea of a joke." 

"That's not reassuring." 

Jon nodded. "No, I suppose it isn't."

Martin kept shooting him looks as they walked down the corridor. Jon knew he was being cryptic again and that Martin would tease him mercilessly once they were out of Helen's domain. Or out of Helen, Jon supposed. 

"Oh, fuck off." 

Ah. He'd spotted it, then.

"Like I said, her idea of a joke." 

"Are those roses?"

"Yes, I believe they are." 

"And chocolate hearts." 

"Hmm."

Martin shook his head. "Jon, what even is this?"

"The Honeymoon Suite." Jon intoned. "We can go around it."

"I'm almost curious. What's inside there?" 

"I don't even know where to begin."

Martin shuddered. "Aren't we technically inside her right now? Wouldn't she know?"

"Yes. I don't think it would bother her. Not that I'm suggesting-"

Martin held up his hands. "No, god no, absolutely not. That's where I draw the line." 

"Quite. We can go in if you're curious."

"Really? You wouldn't mind? Isn't there, you know, stuff that you don't... have experience with." 

"I'm asexual, not a child. I know what typically happens in a Honeymoon Suite." 

Martin chuckled and opened the door, carefully stepping over the flowers and chocolates on the floor. He flipped the light switch on. 

"Good lord." Jon leant around him. "Helen is certainly creative."

A slowly spinning disco ball cast sparkly red light around the room and soft jazz music drifted from hidden speakers. The bed, or what could feasibly be called the bed, took up the centre of the room, a monstrous heart shaped pile of pillows. 

"I-" Martin started, then caught whatever thought was in his head. "What even-"

"Indeed." 

"Is that a _mirror_?" 

"It is. I guess she thought we might want to _unwind_." 

Martin snorted. "What, she heard us talking about finding a place to rest and got jealous?"

"That might be part of it. To be honest I think that this is just another part of her illusion of friendship." Jon crossed the room and sat carefully on the edge of the bed. "At least we know it's never been used."

Martin glanced at him and laughed. "God you look ridiculous." 

"Thanks." Jon frowned. 

"No, I just-" He waved around the room. "This isn't your typical habitat."

"I'm not a wild animal, Martin." 

He raised an eyebrow. "Interesting choice of words given the setting." 

Jon groaned. "Shush. Stop it."

"Stop what?"

"Flirting. This is neither the time nor the place." 

"I disagree, this is specifically engineered to be both the time and the place." Martin crossed the room until he stood in front Jon. "We are in a room designed for me to flirt you into bed."

Jon covered his face with his hands and tipped backwards. "Helen is the worst."

Martin flopped onto the bed next to him, watching the way Jon bounced slightly. "She's not that bad. I'm sorry, I promise I won't try and entice you into my sheets with cheesy pickup lines. Even if you do look like you fell from heaven." 

Jon groaned and rolled so that he could bury his face in Martin's shirt. 

"Haha. I'm sorry, I'll stop."

"Thank you." Jon mumbled, sprawling back on the bed. 

"Anything for my honeybun."

Jon spluttered.

"Sugar bear?"

"Martin." 

"Love bug?"

"I hate you. I hate you so much." Jon looked at him, blushing. "If you, ah, wanted to- I'm happy to give you a minute if you wanted to make use of the... accoutrements that Helen has provided."

Martin sat up slowly, staring down at Jon. "What do you mean 'accoutrements'?" 

Jon's ears turned red. 

"She didn't."

"I'm afraid she did. Like I said, her idea of a joke. Don't look in the wardrobe." 

"Oh god. Can we leave? I really don't want to see what kind of... you know, the Spiral comes up with."

"By all means. We have work to do."

Martin pulled Jon off the bed and ushered him out of the room, shooting horrified glances at the wardrobe before shutting the door firmly. Somewhere, both down the corridor and all around them, Jon heard Helen's laughter. 

**Author's Note:**

> me dming iez after finishing this: i've committed crimes in fic form
> 
> come tell me you hate this [on insta](https://www.instagram.com/statement_boo_gins/) or [on tumblr](https://oakleaf--bearer.tumblr.com/)


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